MY MOTIVATION

I want to help people.

I want to accompany people on their journey to spirituality. Why? Because I know how hard and exhausting it can be to walk this road alone. In the end, we all have to find our way through life (this life and all future lives) on our own. But we can also walk this path or at least parts of it together with other people who support us or even surround us with a community in which everyone supports another. Or we can become a part of a supportive community. It’s alright to ask for help. Living and learning can be easy. We’re free to decide how to walk this road, for how long, at what pace and who we want to take with us.

Eventually, I had to start studying for my first German state examination in law. One year of nothing but studying. I soon realised that I only knew a fraction of what I had to know, maybe 20% if I was generous. And that didn’t even mean that I was able to apply any of that superficial knowledge yet. In Germany, you get a “free try” when you apply for and take the exams early enough in your university career. This free try doesn’t count. So in case you don’t pass the exams and even when you are just unhappy with the results, you get the opportunity to take the exams again at a later point. So that’s what I did. I had nothing to lose and treated it as a game. My boyfriend at the time was also studying law. I still remember how he teased me on the day of the exam. He knew exactly how ill-prepared I was. We both didn’t take it too seriously. And what happened? It didn’t turn out to be the disaster I had expected. With a bit of luck, I had managed to achieve 19 points – out of 108. In total, you have to take six tests, each with a maximum of 18 points. It was necessary to get at least four points to pass each of those individual tests. In total, we had to reach at least 21 points while taking those six tests. I’ve almost made it! I even managed to score 8 points in one of the tests, which was great.

Here was my wake-up call! I studied every single day of the week, Monday to Sunday. On Sundays, I allowed myself a “break” which meant that I enjoyed a calm breakfast and went for a run first before I studied only for 3-5 hours. On Thursdays, after a full day of studying, I went to a yoga class from 20:45 to 22:15 and sometimes even rewarded myself with a nice hot bath afterwards. In my lunch breaks, I spent time with my friends. We enjoyed a cup of coffee in the sun, chilled in the park or went for a walk along the river. We had a lot of fun together, but we also shared our sorrows and worries with each other. I lost count of how many times I was in tears, how many times I needed my friends’ shoulders to cry on.

On the whole, it was an intense time in my life. I got better and better. Although I was never among the best. But I had friends who made it to the top, one by one. I was (and still am!) incredibly proud of every single one of them.

I passed the German state examination for lawyers in my second attempt. With a total of 22 points. I had improved by three points. Only three more points out of a total of 108 points. All these hours spent studying, all the sacrifices I made, all the blood, sweat and tears, all of this weight that I had been carrying, all of the nightmares, the physical toll this year had taken on me – headaches, migraines, grinding my teeth, exhaustion and mental breakdowns – it all pained me so much. It hurt much more than failing the first time when I didn’t really care.

I was never top of the class, but I had bright moments and I was on par with most of my friends intellectually speaking. Now, this might sound weird and people might take it the wrong way which is why I would like to explain myself:

I am convinced we’re all equally valuable. I have a friend who works in the legal field. He’s a very funny, helpful, sensitive, witty person and absolutely brilliant at his job. But in other areas of life, he’s completely clueless. Others may be in a relationship, get on well with everyone (on a surface level), get solid average grades and have a solid future ahead of them in the world of the rich and beautiful, but still behave like lousy assholes.

But why? In my opinion it always comes down to insecurity, discontent, being in over your head or feeling hurt.

People who are truly happy and who feel secure don’t need to behave like idiots. Of course, these people can also feel disappointed or hurt. But they will always react differently. They will speak their truths, set clear and healthy boundaries or use respectful language to find a solution. Sometimes this might also mean speaking up, being louder, standing your ground and being more emotional. None of that is a problem as long as your nervous system is regulated and you listen with empathy.

My spiritual and professional path taught me all of these lessons. Let me tell you, it wasn’t always smooth sailing.

I always thought of myself as a confident person – until I peeled back layer after layer and discovered all these limiting beliefs. My mother’s constant criticism and mean comments about my character made me doubt myself. She drove me mad to the point where I doubted my own sanity. Maybe she was right? Maybe I was too sensitive, too demanding, too judgmental. Maybe I took things too personally, maybe I was annoying, too rash, selfish and impatient. At the same time, I had reached my intellectual limits for the first time in my life. I had to accept that my academic performance would be constantly judged and taken apart by other people. I am aware this can be part of the process that is learning and growing. But pursuing a law degree brings this aspect to a whole new level. There’s a lot of envy and unfairness, a real dog-eat-dog mentality.

I had friends who understood my concerns about my degree. Others stood by my side when I had to deal with heartbreak, worried about my father or had fights with my mother. One time one of our arguments escalated. I wanted to cut all ties with my family. I really wanted to. But I didn’t want to hurt my father. I knew he loved me very much, and that he depended on my mother because of his illness. I knew he loved her too. This is why I looked for help – my second attempt at finding a therapist. This time I got a bit luckier. I worked with her for five years before moving on to another therapist.

I wanted to dig even deeper. As supportive as my therapist was at the time, I had the impression that my head understood all the connections, but my heart couldn’t feel them.

This is why I moved on to a somatic therapist. It helped me gain clarity and I finally knew for certain that my mother was a narcissist. I had speculated for over a year, but I didn’t dare to diagnose her as such. Friends and family had sometimes witnessed our arguments over the years. They always told me my mother would never change, that I had to accept her for who she was. My best friend once said to me: “Ann-Kathrin, look, maybe that’s why you’ve become such an empathetic person. Because you learned the hard way what it’s like when an important person in your life has no empathy at all.” But she even admitted that it was hard for her to imagine my mother – a person she had known for decades – as a narcissist. Somatic therapy helped me to trust my own feelings again instead of depending on external validation.

I want to reiterate that my mother, grandmother, father, my tutor Ms. Plewnia, my first boyfriend, my many yoga teachers, therapists, coaches and many more people have always stood by me. I had people who believed in me, who shared their wisdom with me, listened to me patiently and gave me advice. I know how important community, friendship and family is. Especially, when your nuclear family is small, non-existent or toxic.

At the same time, I am convinced that clear communication and a healthy self-confidence are the most effective and maybe even the only way out of these types of conflicts. What do I communicate? Why do I want to communicate it? What do I want to achieve? And will the sentence I’m forming help me achieve my goal? Or should I rephrase, maybe adapt the tone a little?

Eventually, I had to come to the conclusion that there are moments in life in which no amount of communication can solve a problem. These are moments in which the other person cannot understand us emotionally or intellectually (yet). Sometimes all it needs is a bit of time. Sometimes it needs a hug or some space and a long walk. Other times you need clear boundaries. It takes a healthy self-confidence to create these boundaries and coping mechanisms for rejection. You will also need to learn to live with the other person’s feelings, the rejection they’re feeling coming from you.